Sunday, January 13, 2008

secret desire-true confession

Okay, so this will be a totally rambling sort of post. Probably more the sort of thing I should put in a private journal rather than a public blog, but it's my blog and I'll write what I want to. Sorry if that sounds blunt!

I'm trying to be all cool about this doctor's visit coming up on Thursday. Truth is, I'm really anxious about it and excited like I was for Christmas when I was a little girl. We've decided to find out whether the baby is a boy or a girl and I'm soooo excited to find out! We didn't find out with Gracie or Katie which was so fun, but I feel like we should find out this time. Now that we've decided to, I'm so looking forward to it and can hardly wait! With our luck, this little munchkin won't cooperate! :-)

We have 2 girls, so if God were to tap on my shoulder and say He'll let me choose, I would choose for this baby to be a boy. However, should I feel guilty for saying that or even thinking it? Used to, I wouldn't even say that much but one of our elders at church said something to me about it. I think maybe it came up because someone asked him what he thought it was and it seems like he turned it around and asked me what I thought. I guess I responded by saying something like, "Oh. I'll let God choose. He gets to decide." He said something like, "Have you told God want you wanted?" He was just so matter of fact about it like it would be okay to request a boy or a girl. I thought about it and decided that I think he's right. If it's another precious little girl, that will be fine! It's not like I'm going to get mad or be all disappointed. It's just that I think it'd be fun to have a boy since we have 2 girls. Ultimately, I want God's will to be done. I love thinking of that verse about God knitting the baby together in the womb. God got to choose whether or not this little "surprise" will be a boy or a girl and He certainly knows better than me. However, if it's a! What fun! It will be new & different and I can just imagine the things his sports loving Daddy will plan to do with him. Of course, I think Chris is just about the perfect daddy ever and he is such a sweet Daddy to his girls! The relationship between a girl and her daddy is such an important one and one he takes very seriously. I think the interest about whether it's a boy or a girl is really up for my friends at church too. One friend is expecting a little boy after already having a boy & a girl, one friend had her 3rd girl in September, another friend is having her 3rd boy in February, and another girl has 3 boys as well. It kind of seems to be a trend that if you have 2 of one gender, that the 3rd will be the same. I've even heard statistics stated that say it's more likely to have 3 of the same if the first 2 are the same. Of course, Brandon, Elizabeth, & Krista didn't follow that trend! I remember one time reading one of Elizabeth's posts where she talked about Mary Elizabeth being born after her 2 boys and how God knew the secret desire of her heart to have a little girl.

I was giving one of my friends a hard time today because she has a little boy who is around 7 months old and he is ADORABLE. Everytime I see him, I want to pinch his cheeks, and when you smile at him and talk to him, he just lights up. She dresses him so cute too-exactly the way I would want to dress a little boy. A lot of people dress their little boys in things I wouldn't choose-and that's fine-but this girl dresses him the way I would like to dress a little boy. Truly precious. I was giving her a hard time because I told her I'll think about it and decide boy or girl is fine, then I see him dressed in this cute little boy outfit with a darling little hat on and I just melt. So, this morning I had to go over and see the little girl (the 3rd girl born in September) because she is precious as well and so cute! I guess it's just normal to kind of lean a little bit towards wanting to have the gender you don't have after already having 2 of the same. I've heard of some people who get "mad" if they discover they're having the opposite gender of what they preferred. I can assure you, that won't be me.

I also worry about going to the u/s and discovering something wrong. I look forward to being at the point where I feel the baby moving regularly. I have felt a couple of things that I think might be the baby, but I'm not sure yet. I will be holding my breath as the u/s starts. I just read a sad post last night about a girl just a couple of weeks ahead of me. She is the little sister of one of my bestest "old" friends from high school and college, and I'm sad for her and will be praying for all of them. I had a friend last year who went through a heartbreaking experience at around this stage in her pregnancy. I can't keep those thoughts out of my head, although I have prayed about the health of this baby a lot, and I love to hear the girls praying for the baby as well. Of course, I know these 2 girls I mentioned above prayed a lot too-I don't mean to imply that they didn't!

We have a boy name all picked out & ready to go. Of course, I've had this boy name (the first name) picked out since before I even got married! Each time I've been pregnant, it's been there although we've had a different middle name picked out each time. Everyone around here pretty much knows the first name although only a couple know the middle name. If it turns out to be a boy, I may go ahead and "announce" the name to the blogworld. We'll see. All you people who know, don't tell! :-) We have thrown around about a million girl names and haven't really decided on one. Any help will be appreciated. Without really meaning to, we kind of have "matching" names for our girls. Gracie Madelyn & Katie Brooklyn. It'd be nice to have a 3rd matching name I guess, however I won't name it something I don't like just to have it match. I don't want it to rhyme with Gracie or Katie (like Gracie & Casey) and it doesn't necessarily have to have the long "a" sound but something kind of similar. Some of the first name ideas are Callie, Hallie, Mylie, Lyndie. Some of the middle name ideas are Ashlyn, Kathlyn, Hollyn. Please comment with any ideas because none of these have grabbed us and not let go.

This is one of those posts that I may delete as soon as I post it. We truly will be happy whether this precious gift is a boy or a girl. I guess I'm just a little bit like Elizabeth and have a "secret desire" for this baby to be a boy. I feel guilty for even thinking it, much less saying it, but maybe admitting it will make me feel better about it! Please pray that the visit goes well this week. Both of the girls will be us, and I think they'll enjoy it! Please pray for the health of our precious baby!


Kimberly said...

I think it is great that you can be honest about how you feel at this exciting time! You are right, God will give you what he thinks you need but there is no shame in having a little hope for one or the other! Regardless I know he/she will be blessed to have you as a mommy.
I can't wait to find out!
Also-love the girl names!! All of them are darling that I can't choose.

Krista said...

You are still the SAME, WONDERFUL Jacinda that I knew WAY BACK 12 or so years ago!!! (I'm laughing right now!) It's almost scary how much we think alike!! I think it would be really neat for you to have a boy this time to experience the difference between the two . . . they are both SO special in their own ways! We experienced the same dilema with our third in that we LOVE our boys and would have LOVED a third BOY, but we truly adore this little, precious girl that the Lord has blessed us with too! Bret mentioned that Chris needs a child that he can put shoulder pads & a helmet on! =)Ha! Ha! But seriously, we are praying first and foremost for the health of this baby! Now, you better email me if and when you find out on Thursday! I can't wait to hear!!!! Oh, and BTW . . . we knew you guys would have a third!!! =) Love you guys!!!

elizabeth said...

I think it is only human to want both boys and girls. I know that you will love the person growing inside of you no matter what it is.

I have written about it many times, but the biggest lesson of my life came when I popped out my second son. I wanted a girl so badly, but the moment I met Thomas, I knew that God had given me exactly what I wanted, I just didn't know it yet!

I can't wait to hear what you are having!

elizabeth said...

OK, I wrote all of that in case your sweet baby is another girl. I will pray for you that God grants you the desire in your heart!

I know how you feel about the name thing. I named Mary Elizabeth when I was in 8th grade! I love your girl names. You might want to stay away from Mylie only because of the Hannah Montana craze. People actually asked me after Thomas was born if I named him after Thomas the Train! I also like Ellie, Allie, Annie, and Molly.

Philip Murphy said...

OK, I'm ready to start guessing the boy name.

1. Bobby Knight Shanks.
2. Redd Rader Shanks.
3. Zack Thomas Shanks

ok, i'm all out of sarcastic guesses.

Shelley said...

OK... stumbled upon your blog... somehow... cant really remember :) Anyway, I have a friend who has a Gracie, Katie, and an Abby!! Just a suggestions :) Good luck to you. I am a mommy of three little girls and love it. I still wish sometimes I knew what it was like to "mother" a boy, but this is my life... lip gloss, glitter, princess dresses, etc...

Julie said...

I just have to second your Elder's comment. Grant did NOT sleep as a baby - ever. I was sleep deprived for 2 years (and yes, I DID baby-wise - ha! what a joke that was!). When I found out I was PG with Garrett, I immediately stared praying for a "sleeper". I remember begging God - please, I just want one that will SLEEP!
When we began this adoption process, I struggled with "requesting" a girl. Is that ok to do? Is that like trying to play God? Well, God had a little chat with me about it! He assured me that it was ok. Then he said - I gave you a sleeper when you asked for one didn't I? (and boy, does that kid ever sleep!!:) I would have given you anything you wanted. You asked for a sleeper.
NOT that I would ever trade Garrett for anything - NO WAY! But I love that God reminds us somethimes that he truly wants to give us the desires of our hearts. Too often we just feel bad for asking, so we don't!
Of course, I'm not implying that we will always get what we want, only relaying an experience! :)
(feel free to delete this comment...I don't want to step on any toes! Just my 2 cents!).
Can't wait to tune in on Thursday!

jettybetty said...

What great comments here!

You have the sweetest heart--and you will be the greatest mom--whatever God's plan for you all is boy or girl.

We had 2 girls first and prayed so hard for a boy the third time. God chose to bless us with one and I am so thankful. However, I loved raising girls and I know we would have loved the joys of 3 girls, too!

SG said...

I love what Julie and Elizabeth said. Each time I was pregnant I actually what I secretly wished for. Though I would have been happy either way, I really wanted a girl when we had Kolby, a boy when we had Rhett, and another girl when we had Ella Kate. I have even felt a little guilty about that. But it's OK to have a preference! It's natural. Sometimes it happens just as you hope and sometimes God has a better idea. Either way I know whatever this baby is it will be just what your family needs! Can't wait till Thursday to find out! See it IS also fun to find out! :)

TMK said...

Being a mom of 3 boys, I was crushed to see Tanner was another BOY! I cried at the ultrasound and was mad for a long time. But I can't imagine not have all 3 of my baby boys. They are just what I needed. The neat thing is to look at it from God's point of view...He is making that little one the EXACT way He wants and more importantly, exactly what He wants you to have in your life. Dont feel bad, just try to give your feelings whole-heartedly to God. He always knows best. Love ya, Can't wait to see what you'll be blessed with!!!

janjanmom said...

Three girls works well for us-although go on ahead and have 4. Now that we are 6 years into it, I think 2 and 2 would have been easier than 2 and 1-but we are managing. I hope we are also finished having babies-unless God says we are not, I am positive He can over-ride tubal ligations if he wants!

Just the kind of advice I love to give. Have another baby before you are even 20 weeks into this one. Hee hee.

Can't wait to see your bucket list, you're going to aren't you? Is have a baby boy on it? heehee