secret desire-true confession

Okay, so this will be a totally rambling sort of post. Probably more the sort of thing I should put in a private journal rather than a public blog, but it's my blog and I'll write what I want to. Sorry if that sounds blunt!

I'm trying to be all cool about this doctor's visit coming up on Thursday. Truth is, I'm really anxious about it and excited like I was for Christmas when I was a little girl. We've decided to find out whether the baby is a boy or a girl and I'm soooo excited to find out! We didn't find out with Gracie or Katie which was so fun, but I feel like we should find out this time. Now that we've decided to, I'm so looking forward to it and can hardly wait! With our luck, this little munchkin won't cooperate! :-)

We have 2 girls, so if God were to tap on my shoulder and say He'll let me choose, I would choose for this baby to be a boy. However, should I feel guilty for saying that or even thinking it? Used to, I wouldn't even say that much but one of our elders at church said something to me about it. I think maybe it came up because someone asked him what he thought it was and it seems like he turned it around and asked me what I thought. I guess I responded by saying something like, "Oh. I'll let God choose. He gets to decide." He said something like, "Have you told God want you wanted?" He was just so matter of fact about it like it would be okay to request a boy or a girl. I thought about it and decided that I think he's right. If it's another precious little girl, that will be fine! It's not like I'm going to get mad or be all disappointed. It's just that I think it'd be fun to have a boy since we have 2 girls. Ultimately, I want God's will to be done. I love thinking of that verse about God knitting the baby together in the womb. God got to choose whether or not this little "surprise" will be a boy or a girl and He certainly knows better than me. However, if it's a boy.....wow! What fun! It will be new & different and I can just imagine the things his sports loving Daddy will plan to do with him. Of course, I think Chris is just about the perfect daddy ever and he is such a sweet Daddy to his girls! The relationship between a girl and her daddy is such an important one and one he takes very seriously. I think the interest about whether it's a boy or a girl is really up for my friends at church too. One friend is expecting a little boy after already having a boy & a girl, one friend had her 3rd girl in September, another friend is having her 3rd boy in February, and another girl has 3 boys as well. It kind of seems to be a trend that if you have 2 of one gender, that the 3rd will be the same. I've even heard statistics stated that say it's more likely to have 3 of the same if the first 2 are the same. Of course, Brandon, Elizabeth, & Krista didn't follow that trend! I remember one time reading one of Elizabeth's posts where she talked about Mary Elizabeth being born after her 2 boys and how God knew the secret desire of her heart to have a little girl.

I was giving one of my friends a hard time today because she has a little boy who is around 7 months old and he is ADORABLE. Everytime I see him, I want to pinch his cheeks, and when you smile at him and talk to him, he just lights up. She dresses him so cute too-exactly the way I would want to dress a little boy. A lot of people dress their little boys in things I wouldn't choose-and that's fine-but this girl dresses him the way I would like to dress a little boy. Truly precious. I was giving her a hard time because I told her I'll think about it and decide boy or girl is fine, then I see him dressed in this cute little boy outfit with a darling little hat on and I just melt. So, this morning I had to go over and see the little girl (the 3rd girl born in September) because she is precious as well and so cute! I guess it's just normal to kind of lean a little bit towards wanting to have the gender you don't have after already having 2 of the same. I've heard of some people who get "mad" if they discover they're having the opposite gender of what they preferred. I can assure you, that won't be me.

I also worry about going to the u/s and discovering something wrong. I look forward to being at the point where I feel the baby moving regularly. I have felt a couple of things that I think might be the baby, but I'm not sure yet. I will be holding my breath as the u/s starts. I just read a sad post last night about a girl just a couple of weeks ahead of me. She is the little sister of one of my bestest "old" friends from high school and college, and I'm sad for her and will be praying for all of them. I had a friend last year who went through a heartbreaking experience at around this stage in her pregnancy. I can't keep those thoughts out of my head, although I have prayed about the health of this baby a lot, and I love to hear the girls praying for the baby as well. Of course, I know these 2 girls I mentioned above prayed a lot too-I don't mean to imply that they didn't!

We have a boy name all picked out & ready to go. Of course, I've had this boy name (the first name) picked out since before I even got married! Each time I've been pregnant, it's been there although we've had a different middle name picked out each time. Everyone around here pretty much knows the first name although only a couple know the middle name. If it turns out to be a boy, I may go ahead and "announce" the name to the blogworld. We'll see. All you people who know, don't tell! :-) We have thrown around about a million girl names and haven't really decided on one. Any help will be appreciated. Without really meaning to, we kind of have "matching" names for our girls. Gracie Madelyn & Katie Brooklyn. It'd be nice to have a 3rd matching name I guess, however I won't name it something I don't like just to have it match. I don't want it to rhyme with Gracie or Katie (like Gracie & Casey) and it doesn't necessarily have to have the long "a" sound but something kind of similar. Some of the first name ideas are Callie, Hallie, Mylie, Lyndie. Some of the middle name ideas are Ashlyn, Kathlyn, Hollyn. Please comment with any ideas because none of these have grabbed us and not let go.

This is one of those posts that I may delete as soon as I post it. We truly will be happy whether this precious gift is a boy or a girl. I guess I'm just a little bit like Elizabeth and have a "secret desire" for this baby to be a boy. I feel guilty for even thinking it, much less saying it, but maybe admitting it will make me feel better about it! Please pray that the visit goes well this week. Both of the girls will be us, and I think they'll enjoy it! Please pray for the health of our precious baby!